The reason I'm back on the topic of dating is that I've recently had a couple of dating experiences that might have negatively reinforced my absurd yet grounded theories on dating.
1. My date with a millionaire: Yes, I went out with a millionaire and yes, I said no to a millionaire. I've come across a lot of people ( mostly girls) who date because they'd rather have someone there even if he is not the one, than have no one. The same way, money is a good enough reason to compromise on other things. Well, I still haven't reached that stage.
2. My date with a guy I actually liked: A guy I knew, a guy I had met a this learning program, a guy I had been flirting with for a couple of weeks, finally asked me out. And as soon as he did, I lost interested. This one I haven't quite figured out yet. I've asked myself if maybe I was nervous about going out, liking him, commitment etc... but no, I simply lose interest by the mere fact that he is interested. Maybe because the game sort of ends there, maybe because if I don't need to convince you anymore, you represent no challenge and I'm bored so you're dismissed.
3. My completely blind date: No picture, no name, no info. Nothing, besides for the fact that my best friend spoke with him and suggested it and since I trust her, I decided to simply follow the flow and do what most girls my age do anyways. He was the one to hear about me, have an interest, travel and go out with me. After point 2. you might be wondering why I even agreed to go out with a guy who obviously is interested. Like I said, I did it as a reassurance that I can just go out the way girls do. After all, it's only a date. And I do not regret it for it has taught me that even though I don't see it going anywhere, I still have to remain polite and carry on as it socially appropriate.Oh and I, for the first time, applied the skill of breaking up with a friendly it's not you, it's me; you're great but not enough.
My conclusions about dating remain that
a. I hate dating, I hate having to get to know another person through a process designed for this purpose.
b. Nice guys don't interest me, I worry that I might have to be bullied to actually be interested in relationship.
c. I might have an issue with having to bear someone else's presence no matter how much I enjoy the other person. This is not a conclusion drawn from dating experiences only, I see it with my family friends and all. As a person who enjoys company yet who loves being alone, it tends to be difficult to develop real new relationships.
This is an undone post for there is so much else that can be said, to be continued...
I wonder what kind of rejections you get upset about (if you've even gotten any?). That might tell you something about what gets you hooked in a relationship, aside from wanting what you can't have...
ReplyDeleteI hear you on number C, that's not easy either.
Based on the picture you paint it sounds like most guys like you more than you like them, hence the disinterest and hence the burden of their presence. If the guy was playing/actually harder to get, perhaps it would be more exciting to you and it would seem more of a privilege to have them around.
The guy you need might be very similar to yourself...
It's an interesting comment corti and a great question.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to think about the last time I was rejected and that I was really upset about. It hasnt happened that often but for the few times it did, it hasnt really bothered me. Perhaps, because i didnt feel it either. To be honest, i think that i don't date many of the guys I would mind being rejected by and that might be the key to my issue here :)
I just had to comment on the following phrases: "I dream of just being able to be with the right guy and skip the process of the who are you, what do you do and what do you like type of questions."
ReplyDeleteTHAT is part of building a relationship. And even if you meet someone naturally, there is still that process of getting to know each other. Even if there are "sparks" and "fireworks" and you just "know" that this is IT, there is still a process for the relationship to evolve. And as you progress, your understanding, appreciation, and care for the person grows.
"Don't think I am not romantic. On the contrary, I am so romantic that I want to believe in the kind of "love" where you do not have to talk to be understood."
I am very romantic, to say the least. I also love Mr. Darcy, Mr. Thornton, and Mr. Tilney. But even when there is romance and love and all that jazz...you need to talk....
You ALWAYS have to talk. Even if you are both very in touch and can "feel" what the other person is feeling, you STILL need to talk. People are not mind readers. Communication is KEY in any relationship. I believe communication is the biggest issue in most relationships and it is scary because each subsequent generation is getting worse at communicating (i.e. discussing an "awkward" issue over text or e-mail is not communication).
I think we all wish we could meet "the" guy in a natural way. It would be so much more "min Hashamayim" and yes, you do skip part of the awkwardness. But even if you find your prince charming, you still have to WORK for ever after. I would say that davka the guy that will make you grow the most, become your best, and bring out the best in you, will challenge you the most. That relationship will require a lot of work.
I know that you do not believe in those statements but I just had to comment.
p.s. on a lighter note, I totally relate to your "firsts" I was actually given mussar for not going out with a "millionaire" because he was totally not shayach and that (money) is not something that I value above other things. The shadchan could not get it, "Girls chase after him. He is always nervous that girls are after him for his money. He wants to go out with you. Why don't you give it a shot?!"
@zp, I agree with you one hundred percent. You have to talk, you can't build a relationship without. And my wish to not have to talk is not a direct communication issue, it's more pure laziness. I hate having to explain my thoughts to people in general, why I do or like certain things etc... Of course thats not realistic when you're introducing a new person and therefore I am working on building up tolerance and patience for dealing with people who, if you think about it, get pretty up close and personal for the sake of dating.
DeleteI hear. More than laziness it is also a risk. The more you open up, the more you give...the more it can hurt. But if we don't take that risk...the loss is even greater.
DeleteI always thought I didn't mind dating, meeting someone new, etc, then I realize the bundle of nerves I become just wants me to be done with the whole process already.
ReplyDelete