And then because you feel bad, you say something like: "I can see us be friend so if you want to hit me up next time you're in town or i''l give you a call.... Bye, all the best."
First of all, do you think guys are more likely to say that to a girl or the opposite? It seems that i'm always the one saying that while my best friends ends up being told that by numerous guys.
In any case, it's a bad move. Its almost like ducking the responsibility of facing the other and breaking off. Those 'friendly" relationships are pointless. Unless you have a common interest, such as sharing friends, shul, shabbat hosts etc.., there is no point in maintaining these connections beyond the networking aspect. You don't need to remain friends to pass him to set him up with a different girl.
The latest: I recently broke off with a guy in the exact manner described in the first paragraph and next thing I know, I received a letter from him in the mail. I won't give too much detail for sake of anonymity, but what do you think? It wasn't a love letter, it was just picking up on something I had said about the beauty of written letters. So yes, the letter made me smile but i'm not falling in love over a mail exchange.
And yes, I answered him.
Lol. Actually with me, about half the guys I dated ended it and the other half I ended it with - but only one guy has ever said that he wants to be 'facebook friends' and that's because we got on really well but were looking for totally different things in life / different things were important to us + other reasons too. And thanks to the fact that we added each other on Facebook and had a way of contacting each other, I set him up with a friend of mine and he (tried to) set me up with a friend of his! So that was nice.
ReplyDeleteBut with none of the others did we say we would stay 'friends' - when I ended it I would just tell them the reason and then they would take me home! However, I have sent emails to the ones that got engaged to wish them mazal tov and I'm not shy to contact one of them if I really need to one day..
It is nice to say 'if you're ever in town and need anything feel free to contact me' - a guy that I dated from another continent once did that to me and I thought that was sweet...
And cute that he sent u a letter :)
ReplyDeleteIts cute... and not cute :)
DeleteI dunno . . . I think if he made a point to find a stamp and notepaper he is still interested.
ReplyDeleteI would hate to be in a position of having to break up with someone, and I would probably marry him instead of having to say it to his face. It's a horrible place to be, and I sympathize in trying to soften the blow by giving the "freinds" line.
But there is something to the Seinfeld mantra: "You should just do it like a Band-Aid. One motion -- right off!"
I agree but i always feel so bad!!
DeleteIf it is someone that you knew before you dated, then yes, keep the friendship going after it is all over.
ReplyDeleteIf it is someone you met simply for dating, then when it ends, it is over. Move on. If they come up with someone for you, they know how to contact you, and can do it, even if you guys hadn't kept in touch.
I like to ask if we can say hi to each other when we meet again and--if there was no emotional connection and it's mutual--if we can think of each other for dating. But if it's not mutual, I'd say, close the window to friendship because u just leave them thinking it might develop into something else after friendship.
ReplyDeleteSaying no isn't enough??
DeleteI don't thinking continuing to be friends - or even acquaintances is a good idea. If he's worth setting up with friends of yours, by all means keep all contact information and any research you may have done - I kept a file like that tucked away for girls I thought were worth setting up with friends. It has helped some, but I haven't made any matches yet...
ReplyDeleteAt any rate, I'm curious if you mentioned to him about the idea of not being so friendly in your reply?
so i didnt bring up the issue of the letter and i answered him sort of like writing a blog post, a topic with a rhetorical comment. I guess if he answers i will have to put a stop to it because i am really not interested
DeleteThat's sweet. And yes, I think he does like you still. A lot.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of saying "let's be friends" or leaving the door open... it allows some people to hold on. I'd wonder if this guy is.
Personally, I've heard it before. Depending on how it's done... I've felt before that a woman was intentionally keeping the door open, leaving potential or holding the option. Other times it feels just the other person being nice.
I think people should be more straightforward. It's not that terrible to be clear, even if it's painful. We can still be sensitive and soft, even when being clear.
I said lets be friend cause i really didnt want him to be offended, disapointed, i dont know... Im not used to this kind of dating through blind date
DeleteI don't think its fair to the other person to suggest "maybe in the future" or leave any door open if you are not into it. I also don't think that people can be "just friends" specially if you were not friends before, to begin with. You date. Now you are not. End of story.
ReplyDeleteAs I mentioned recently on a different comment to someone else's blog, I think its important to always end things off letting both parties feel that the decision was mutual. For better or for worse, I have had to do most of the breaking up and I found that this was the best way. You raise your concerns/comments/questions, you discuss them, and together, you come to a conclusion. You wish each other best and genuinely make an effort to keep that person in mind for other people.
I think he still likes you; he wouldn't go thru that trouble just stam. If you are willing to give it another shot, by all means. Otherwise, make it very clear, in the nicest way possible, that although you think he is wonderful, you just don't think you are the best thing for each other and that there is no point on continuing to talk, etc.
So what you describe in your second paragraph makes a lot of sense but unfortunately i cant express reasons so clear nor concerns and questions. im much more of the have everyone feel good type and avoid the slightest discomfort. Its a good thing usually but in this type of situation, doesnt help me much.
DeleteNo doubt it should be the end of the story.
I don't have an idea with regards to saying something that won't hurt when you're breaking up with someone, but I think it's very good "training" that the more yeshivish crowd doesn't really get. Although there are plenty of advantages to the shidduch system, awkward conversations (i.e. breaking up) is not an opportunity they receive very often.
ReplyDeleteLetter writing... What a wonderful concept... At work I get about 3 handwritten full-page letters a year and I can't help but shake my head in sadness that it's an obsolete form of communication.
Breaking up is not a missed opportunity but learning that skill is definitely a maturing experience.
DeleteI love letters and in a way i dont like that he sent it to me cause its almost like he picked up on something he knew would please me (after i said no)