However, this past week end, I found myself caught up in an argument around the question if I would say yes or no to a guy that sounds great for me etc besides for this one trait. (for example, he wants to make alyah, he doesn't want me to have a doctorate...). About alyah and logistics, read my previous post and about my education, he's be a little too late for that. But anyways, my belief is that many things that you think matter can become less of a priority once you know a person.
In fact, I believe that if you meet a guy casually, without being set up and checked out previously, he may not correspond to what you're looking for and depending on how the situation presents itself, you may or may not fall for him. It can be a good thing as much as it could be a dangerous thing. I can't do without a feel of one's personality and other than big obvious trait like Shomer Shabbat and Kashrut, there is a lot I do not need to define.
My theory was proven true last night. I had a first date with a guy I might never see again. But regardless, I got to go out with a person who is drastically different from my lifestyle, my views and everything I thought I would need, want, like best in a guy. It all went out the window. No I am not in love but I had a good time with him. Hypothetically speaking (not sure about further dates) I could see myself learning to connect with him. It would be a new experience.
It just goes to show, yes you've heard from many that you end up with the person you never thought you'd marry. It really goes beyond that, beyond the fact that anyways when you get married, you cannot control all that you had wisely planned and thoroughly checked out.
So why do you hang on to such "important" criteria?
Its true.
ReplyDeleteWhen people meet in a casual setting without knowing their "details" before hand, they may just click on a personal level.
The truth is that the guys i have found myself having the best time with are guys that i would never marry bcz of hashkafic/religious reasons.
I always wondered about couples who broke up years later bcz one wanted kids and one didnt..how did they get to that point? How did they get married without discussing such a vital point? Its bcz at the time they were in love and thats all that mattered.
We look ahead. Thats why we hang on to important criteria.
My opinion anyway :)
I agree and I understand to an extent, but because you marry someone with similar ideas than you does not guarantee you that they won't evolve and possibly even be different than yours, even though years ago you agreed on something. I think it works both ways and lots needs to be compromised on both sides, not values of course but things that are fine with halacha but that maybe you didn't picture yourself in that position one day. Once you introduce a new person, with new ideas etc, you're bound to have to discover things out of your comfort zone.
DeleteI agree with you, @aminspiration, and implore you to figure out what about those guys you DID like. I think that too many singles have long lists of 'important criteria' that don't matter in the long run but might make life a little easier for them now, i.e. similar lifestyles. It's so important to know yourself and to only 'list' the traits that you need as a foundation for a relationship. I'd personally rather marry someone who was different than me, a complement rather than a twin.
ReplyDeleteI agree too but how do you know that those fundamental traits are indeed fundamentals??
DeleteI guess you can't KNOW, but if you use every social experience in your life, even others' social experiences, to learn more about yourself and what you like, you'll have a better understanding of what you need.
DeletePeople sometimes lament that older singles got so much pickier over time, but I think that CAN be a good thing because they are learning more and more about themselves over time.
I can't disagree with that but my vendetta is really against when people get too technical on their decision. There is a higher power and even though you think you know whats best for you, what you need or what you want it might not be what He has planned for you and it would be silly to miss it because of that. You have to be open to the fact that something outside your imagination/thoughts can exist and can work out. Even if it doesn't add up perfectly with your standards or what you think they should be.
DeleteMy thoughts exactly :)
DeleteIts true.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we do get hung up on the one point instead of looking at the whole person. Too often its just clinical. We compare the resume to the checklist and if it does not match up exactly..oh well too bad.
We need to look at the person in his/her entirety.
Once we do go out, there may be one or two things that really bug me and i just cant get past..and i think thats ok. I gave it a try, but he just rubs me the wrong way.
No one can blame you for saying no for that
Nope. No one can because you tried, which is more than most.
DeleteBut what about the case you get along, you fit all right together but you disagree on certain things? Would you let it go? Things such as moving somewhere right away, going into a new career... Things that wont make you miserable but that you never thought you could or would do.
Thats what bugs me, the idea that when you like a person, he must come with everything else.
I agree here. I also think the fewer criteria the better. I just tossed away a couple things myself, down to two really important things for me.
DeleteHaha me too LOL! I used to have so many criteria that it was almost impossible to find someone that fitted them. Now I have two :P
DeleteHey hon, I gave up blogging for that same reason (one of my reasons at least), thanks for putting it so well.
ReplyDeleteI've gone out with guys who had pretty different backgrounds from me, and each time I rationalized that I could get used to their way of life. But in the end they would notice how different we were and end it... and it wouldn't be until the next guy that I would realize, Hey, yes I could have fit myself into that previous guy's lifestyle but I feel so much more comfortable right now when I'm not bending over backward to change. They were (mostly) all nice guys that I enjoyed spending time with, but I like to believe that with the right one you won't have to work so hard. On the other hand, I do think that different backgrounds can work as long as there is mutual respect.
About the moving/changing careers... that seems drastic to me. If you are crazy about the guy and neither the move or the switch will bother you then kol hakavod, but if he's just a nice guy who can grow on you, I think there will be more of them.
Corti, im so happy to hear from you, I wondered where you had disappeared to!I'm reading your comment a few weeks after my posts and things have happened since so i sort have to rethink it all before i can formulate my answer
Deletegood to hear from you, I hope all is well