Friday, July 29, 2011

You don't know me--I don't know you, but I like you...

Sooner or later, I had to post about shidduchim.
Like many others, I dislike being set up mostly because of the way it is done: the wasted energy of going out with someone who is totally wrong for you, someone whom your not attracted to at all, someone who took you out on your worse date ever, someone whom you forgot about the next day.
Yet, we agree to it, we do it because it is how it's done these days. Enough of all your blogs cover the pros and cons, the downsides and the flip-sides, the " what we love and what we hate"... so I will not go into it (yet...)

Hmmm so here is my dilemma:
 I "know" (thank g-d for Facebook) this guy whom I would like to go out with. I am not only attracted to his profile on Facebook, I was told about him and he sounds like a potential match. At least, a potential date. What's my next step?
-Convincing my superficial common friends on Facebook that they should set us up?
-Pretend I do not care?
-Chase down the people who might be able to set us up?

When do I start sounding too desperate?

Because I am not. I dislike dating for dating but now that I am interested in this guy, how do I go about chasing him down without sounding like a lunatic??


  1. I would use the mutual friends... even if they're superficial to you, they might be good friends with him and their words might carry weight. Ask your friend if he/she knows what the guy's up to in dating and if he/she thinks you'd be a good match. If the answer is affirmative the friend might even be excited to make the suggestion for you :-) Your friend doesn't have to make it sound like you asked to be set up, let them take credit for the idea as if they thought of it on their own.

    If I was the mutual friend, I wouldn't think it was weird/desperate at all-- I would be happy to set you up :-)

    Hatzlacha, keep us posted on this developing story please.

    [A little off-topic but a guy in school once told me, a bit too late, that he always wanted to ask me out but didn't think I'd be receptive to that forum-- so he enlisted a shadchan's help to set us up. Problem was the shadchan had no info on me, I had no resume at the time because I was only 18. When this guy told me what he did, I was very weirded out by the unnatural venue and really would have preferred if he had tried getting a mutual friend to recommend that we go out... perhaps the guy whose attention you're trying to catch feels the same way.]

  2. @corti: so I did ask oen of the common friends btu I feel like she dosen't really know me so how can she possibly be setting me up? but you're right, she has been asking me about me in details...
    But when it takes her a few days to get back, I hesitate before asking her cus i dont want to sound desperate!!
    Mutual friends definitely better than shadchan

  3. I think you need to find out more about this guy before you go any further in terms of someone approaching him with the idea. While some people are very receptive to their friends setting them up, others aren't at all. I don't know what kind of background you come from, or what "sect" of Judaism you currently consider yourself to be a part of, but it sounds like you're using a shadchan at the moment. From what I've seen, if people go through shadchanim, they usually stick to that type of dating. Through a shadchan the dating is more formal and through a friend it's more of a casual kind. Unless your intention is that the friend would suggest it to the guy who would then look into you via a shadchan...?

  4. @%Shocked%: Oh no, I do not use a shadchan, I do not have a resume either. (and he is definitely not in the shadchan scene either, more likely to be set up by friends, that much I know of him). That's why its more of an issue, how am i to let him know i exist other than someone approaching him to tell him about me?

  5. In that case, you have no choice but to use friends.

    This may seem cheesy, but maybe you could get the ball rolling by seeing if he comments on stuff from your mutual friends and comment there as well. And address him directly if the situation allows it.

  6. I hope you'll let us know how this turns out! :) And I'd also say to use mutual friends. Of could just contact him directly, but I guess that's too obvious and simple for it to be considered frum. ;)

  7. @PNN- Your last sentence had me rolling but the truth is, it's uncomfortable for a girl to ask a guy out... frum or not it's the social norm for a guy to court a girl and not the opposite way around lol.

    @YN- Why does your friend need to know you to set you up, if you already have reason to suspect that the guy is good for you? And uch, sorry to hear you're left feeling like that, BTDT. I hate looking like the eager beaver.

  8. This could be the start of a new trend, the girl chasing after the guy she likes.
    I have yet to see him comment on Facebook so I could but in, but hasn't occurred. Meanwhile, I am trying to go through friends.
    @corti: I think the friend needs to somewhat convince him it's a good idea but it's harder if she only knows me superficially. Check out PNN's post on presentation :)

  9. Regarding being direct...

    I've found that many frum women are not particularly receptive to being asked out either (despite often being flattered by it), especially if they aren't already (practically) friends with the guy.

    Most of the guys I know go through a friend too, and I've had friends make suggestions to me as well. It's very common.

  10. Right... sigh, i won't be asked out...
    But friends do come in really handy when the person you have your eyes on has no clue you exist!