Monday, August 1, 2011

Drive to the top!

While you may all be familiar with the behind the scenes of the Shidduch system, I am still discovering the "do's" and the "dont's". Until recently, I had chosen to stay out of the picture when it came to blind dates and blind set-ups. However, these days, it's getting pretty lonely in the no man-land of my life and I have agreed to take the big step. I officially started to date. UGH

I always thought I would be the girl to fall in love with a guy on a train, on a plane or at a museum, that things would go their own way, that it wouldn't matter if he learned or if I covered my elbows and knees.. because we'd love each other. And of course, we'd both love being Jewish whatever that may mean.Together, we'd figure out and decide how to be good simple Jews.

Enough dreaming, it hasn't happened. Time to move on with my times. Although, I am still resilient to the resume thingy...

As it is, most of my friends at this point, have resumes, go see Shadchanim and frequently go out with people who aren't even remotely close to whom they usually are attracted too. They hate it. But they do it.

Last night, we were having a girl's talk night, and when girls my age get together, 99% of the time the conversation is solely about boys. You see, one of my friends is being set-up with a boy who lives a few hours away. So we started arguing about what is right: for the boy to cover the distance or the girl.
Does it even matter?

In my Romanesque world, obviously the boy should drive to meet the girl. It is as romantic as it may get in a set-up. However, if I were the girl concerned, I wouldn't make a big deal out of travelling myself IF it were simple enough. What I don't understand, is the answer my friend got from the Shadchan:

 "Sarale, you should drive to meet Yankele. He has such a long list of girls suggested to him, that if you were to drive, it will place you on the top of his list."



  1. Cute title ;)

    How come you're so resistant to a resume? It just makes life easier instead of repeating your name, height, shul, etc etc over and over. I know plenty of modern people with profiles...

  2. I am not even sure I qualify for modern. I just like the idea of going out because of a mutual feeling. Silly, i know...

  3. Not silly at all! What I don't like about the mutual feeling though is that first the feeling develops (in a classroom setting let's say) and then when you start to date you find out that the person is not what you're looking for. Ie different religious aspirations, different background/social circles/profession-- but by the time you find that out, you already like him :( Unless your plan to be "good simple Jews" could work... hmm... to me it's a scary idea to "settle" with a less frum guy over feelings.

    With a resume I feel like I could be a lot more confident of what I'm in for.

    Congrats on officially starting :-) You still might have opportunities to date people out of mutual feeling, don't worry. Best to utilize both methods IMO.

  4. Wait, why can’t they meet in the middle? There is even a website that will find a spot. I think that would have been a fair solution. The travel argument is a bit thorny. Some argue a guy should always chivalrously chase (travel to the) girl while some argue as the shadcahn did, that a boy shouldn’t do the traveling unless he wants to.

    Personally, I think the decision should be based on locations and respective schedules. Although I should add that I traveled for nearly all my dates, so my opinion might be skewed, but that’s my two cents.

    I do wish you the best of luck on your journey through the world of dating. May you have much success and find yours quickly and painlessly.

  5. @SiBaw: thank you! Its a nice idea to have the boy come to you but it isn't the biggest deal

    @corti: I am hoping that by agreeing to be set up, it will give me the opportunity to meet more people, to be more out there. What you said about being confident with a resume is a good point, although, I wouldn't be able to put down in writing where I am at today. I'm more into personality and growth than actual observance, if that makes sense at all

  6. I'm a huge fan of flexibility.

    In an ideal world, I'd have a jet plane (or helicopter) and all the time in the world to go anywhere. Better yet, as long as I'm dreaming, transporters. Every chance I get, I'd pick a woman up and take her out. It's part of taking leadership, and I think that's essential (at least it is to me).

    But since I don't live in the ideal world (in this particular sense), since I'm not in my hometown with my car and since grad school takes up serious amounts of time, I can't always do what I wish I could. Welcome to the realities of life.

    Which means it's a matter of handling logistics. Some people are more laid-back and easygoing about it -more flexible. Others are more rigid, having inflexible expectations and demanding that I fulfill them.

    Take a guess which type of person I'll pick -for dating AND as a wife.

  7. @ish yehudi: Good point, flexibility because we can not always do what we want to be doing. But at least you acknowledge the fundamental aspect of the guy taking on responsibility of leadership

  8. @Yedid Nefesh

    Taking the mantle of leadership is part of my role as a Man -at least that's how I see it. But part of that is having expectations for a woman's role.

    It goes both ways -having certain expectations for a man means there are expectations for a woman too.

  9. hmm you just mingled two different posts of mine that were saying two completely different things. So yes, there should be expectations about the woman, but they should differ from the guy's. And by expectations, I refer to the practical expectations such as who should be driving to meet the other... When it comes to going both ways, i think that the more serious expectations should not be an all or nothing deal. There needs to be a certain open mindedness about the reality of life

  10. Ah, but here practicality follows from a deeper expectation.

    A man taking leadership is an expectation, from this expectation flows many others -that he should pursue, court, pick up and take out the woman. Expectations that he is a provider also pervade, which lead to him paying for most/all costs associated with taking out a woman.

  11. I agree, but im not sure if you were trying to link what you're saying here with my post

    Are you?