Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Second date killers

You go on a first date, you have a good time.
You come home happy, you agree to meet again.

Second date comes, you're already more comfortable. After all he is no longer a stranger. When that second sate drags along, you are pleasantly surprise. He talks, he flirts, then he drops you off. He tells you how great it was to see you again and that you will be hearing from him. You come home happy, already thinking about a third date

The next day, you have yet to hear back from your date. However, as the day goes by, you start wondering if perhaps you should contact the person who set you up. You hate to be the one making that call, but you tell yourself it could be worse (had you had to call up the guy himself...).

Next thing you know, there will be no third date. You're an amazing girl but you're just not for him.You were not mistaken, you just don't understand.  He really seemed to enjoy your company. He enjoyed stretching out that second date... So what killed it?

Sometimes you'll hear that you're just too good for him, or that it isn't the right time for him..

So why the need to stretch out that second date? Why make it so intense, full of hope and future instead of taking it slow? Why risk portraying the wrong image leaving someone bewildered behind?

He doesn't know and you don't know. One thing WE girls do know is that we'd like boys to be more cautious while dealing/playing with a girl's heart. This request is by nature complicated, we know...but don't we all wish...

If you are that girl to whom second dates mean a lot, perhaps it is time for you to move up your reference bar to the third date.

Because to my roommates, to my friends and to whom ever cares to share, I can no longer be making excuses for all these guys, whatever they might be thinking...


  1. I have been in this situation many times before and have concluded the following:
    Second dates are the "comfy" dates where you may unknowingly divulge TONS of information about yourself. Its always best to keep some things quiet for a while... he doesn't need to know about your obsession with picking ingrown hairs or how you love vampire shows because you think the whole biting thing is kind of sexy (or maybe thats just me... who knows)

    Anyway its always best to hold back a little bit and not act SOOOOOOOOO comfortable. For some reason it freaks guys out.

  2. you know what? guys can be like that after 5 dates. 7 dates. whatever. then again, I guess sometimes so can girls. There might be something to that playing your hand close deal though. Maybe some of us jump into feeling comfortable with a person and then when they get home they realize they wished that had taken it slower.

    ...or maybe they just saw a cute girl the next morning at the bagel shop and decided they wanted to stay single just a little longer. you never can tell.

    (of course this comes from me - who wasn't observant back in my dating yrs, so take it for what it's worth.)

  3. I was wondering the same thing. I have a post written up about it somewhere . . .

    I've had this too, that guys are really into the date, we are having great conversation, they laugh and joke, then say "No way."

    Couldn't you have acted put upon on the date, a little, so I wouldn't feel like an idiot?

    Although, my mother always says that second dates are the worst.

  4. In general, I believe that if there is nothing really wrong with the person, why not give it a second chance (even though I can usually know after a first date if there is any potential). I also don't think anyone is heartbroken after a second date and truthfully, the whole process of meeting someone requires a balance between opening up and holding back. You want to open up to meet your besheret but you also can't be too open, opening up leads the possibility of getting hurt but if you don't open up, then you'll never be able to have a connection...

  5. Some guys will go out on two dates no matter what just to give it another chance. Alternatively, many girls feel that if they get dumped after one date, then the guy didn’t find them attractive. Whether that is true or not is debatable, but some guys will go out on a second date just for the sake of making a girl feel good. However, with regards to shidduchim it could very well be that the guy wanted to end it after the first ten seconds, and the guy would have say no after a first date but be pressured to go out a second time. I don’t really see how there can be so much heartbreak after a second date, unless one believes in love at first sight (a.k.a infatuation)… You barely know the person! I think the feeling is more aptly described as frustration. Personally, I was a big believer in the one and done. See this for details. For the record, girls do the same thing. Second date goes well, but it ends there. In retrospect, it’s very easy to explain, even though it’s quite frustrating at the moment. Basically, just because you can have a decent conversation and a good time with someone doesn’t make them marriageable. That might make for a friendship, but that might the farthest point the relationship will get to. There are so many other aspects that need to be met for two people to get married.

  6. It's really tough, and it can hurt a lot. Dating carries that risk -opening up. Both in terms of disclosing personal, private things about myself and opening my own heart to liking the other person.

    Because of both those things -showing them who I am and being charmed by them -there is a double chance at hurt.

    It's even more confusing when the "no" comes from nowhere, when there is little or no indication that the other person isn't connecting or involved the same way.

  7. FIrst off, I found your page though Altie's blog, and after reading this post I had to comment. As an engaged guy, I can say that how me and my kallah went about it, was all "wrong" but it was right for us. We met at a wedding, and went out about a month later when I flew to LA to go out with her. Our first date was a group date involving apples to apples and pizza, the second date, the very next day was a trip to the museum, we spent Shabbos together, was with eachother Motzie Shabbos where I met her family because her father had taken a turn for the worse and was in the hospital, and I was there when her dad passed away the following day. A lot for one weekend? Yes, but it worked, and she has the bracelet to prove it. :) So, you will figure it out, be yourself, and when its the right guy, he won't care.

  8. Hi dan, your story is cute and this is what i keep on telling people, stop making plans you cant control, it will happen ;)