Most of the time actually, i'd rather be alone. Many people, mainly my mother, do not understand it. My mother is a socialite who will talk to anyone and truly enjoys it. You cannot meet her, walk away and then forget her. People who meet me always believe I am so much like her in that sense but what they don't know or don't understand is that for me, solitude is a better alternative. Then you meet my father and you understand.
So this past week end, my sister had a little girl and my mother flew in to spend time with her. Naturally, a few of my siblings and I came in to spend Shabbat together and be there for the Kiddush. Since my sister who had the baby reads this blog, this is my chance to tell her C is beautiful and that I am very happy for her. All and all, I had a great week-end with my family. The problem lies in the actual commitment to go spend time with the family.
I love to be alone yet I'm very into quality time with family and close friends. So I can appreciate the moment, I just have a harder time making that trip or that step to spend the time. And if i'm not feeling it, then forget it. I didn't want to drive in (forgive the logistics, we're all spread out) but I did because it's the right thing to do and I knew that I would have a good time. When I'm not feeling it, I always project to the future to see if I may regret later on passing on an opportunity of quality times. Eventually, it gets me going.
It's the same with dating. When I'm not interested in going out, not because of the boy, but because I have a better book at home, I try to project myself in two weeks perhaps wanting to go out but without any options. And even if it doesn't work out, you know I'm happy to walk away with the experience, memories and lessons learned.
In friendship as well, I'll pass on certain things that may bother me because I know I can have a good time despite my frustration. But I'm slowly putting a stop to it. I'd really rather be alone.
My father was alone for Shabbat and I was jealous. He told me: "This is better than the alternative" (I thought he meant better than having my mother home but he meant better than being invited out for meals).
When you stop wondering if you might have had a good time,
if you should have maybe said yes to that guy,
if you should have called your friend who came to town,
have you truly achieved loneliness?