I finally have a minute to breath and write.
I have this thing on my mind I decided I would share and listen to what you guys have to say about it.
I'm aware you may not know much about me so here is some background. I grew up in a Yeshivish family, brothers and brother-in-laws mostly learn but because I grew up in Paris, it isn't quite the Lakewood Yeshivish you might picture. I'm in grad school and yes, in good standings with my family, even though I am the first of my siblings to go on to College. I went to seminary here in the States so no year in Israel (which by the way, is not so popular in France so it's no statement). However, after seminary, I took a path that most girls with similar backgrounds don't take. Let's just say, I finally started exploring the world the way I wanted to do it. Obviously from all my previous posts, you can gather I'm still observant but let's just say more... complex. Not quite Yeshivish, not quite Modern (ok maybe Modern Orthodox but I still don't fit in), still in process.
About a month ago, I decided to apply to the Neve Yerushalayim program and thought it may be a good idea to perhaps go spend a month in Israel learning. My motivation was a few things. First of all, I am only taking an online class so I do not need to be on campus. Second of all, I haven't been to Israel in five years. Third and probably most relevant, I went to a Shiur (the first in many years) recently and realized how much I used to know and how much I used to enjoy the intellectual exercise of Mefarshim, back in the day. I generally have a very hard time sitting through lectures, classes and speeches, no matter my level of interest or the quality of the speaker. Therefore, my disinterest in Shiurim is not necessarily a rebellious thing, I just can't do it. But I decided i'd try it, and of course, it will be different.
Now, I hesitate. The cost of the trip/learning is not an issue. I mean it's an expense but not one that weighs in my decision (or lack of). Here are my doubts. First of all, I am moving at the end of the month and I would just like to settle (definitely not good enough of a con, I know). Being away for five weeks is long, way too long. I need my home and stability. But, and I guess second, I have not been home in the past two years on vacation. The only two breaks I've had, I spent in France, by my parents. Not that I am complaining about it, I just think that there is something to being home and on vacation, with more time for others, to do stuff etc... Then what happens if no one is around? I'm not too worried about that, museums and Barnes and Nobles are good enough for me. So third is probably my main concern. I scarcely work throughout the year. I only have time for 12 hours a week average and lately I've been doing 20 hours ( I work retail, so evening shifts are great for the student life). if I stay in July, I could be making decent amounts and that would certainly help me out for the year to come.
So you heard it all. My parents are supportive and understand my dilemma but offer no answer. They ask what about the program attracts me and do I want to go that badly. Well, I don't doubt what's there and if I do go, I will have an enjoyable time. I know that. But should I go?
Will I regret staying?
And if you think the answer is that simple, then you may not understand that living here alone supporting myself comes with a huge responsibility.
Help me out here, ask me things I haven't thought about yet...