Pregnant and dreaming

Two years ago, I dreamed that I had a little girl. In my dream, she was about two or three years old. I knew who the father was (although he doesn't really exist) and the whole dream consisted of my little girl walking around a room full of people being as cute as anything, with everyone admiring her and me feeling love and proud towards this little creature.

I remember waking up feeling strange. Later at school when a Rabbi told me I was looking pale, I suddenly remembered my dream and started to cry.

Now if you know me, you know I don't cry so easily and if I do, rarely in front of others. And if you really know me, you also know that at the time, I didn't particularly have a desire to get married tomorrow, nor have kids anytime soon. (This dream happened two years ago, today things are different but I'm still not craving babies yet).

The disturbing part about me crying was that I wasn't simply crying over a dream. Instead, I started to freakishly repeat over and over how I killed my baby. This is not a fun memory. It was bizarre and a bit funny looking back, that when my dream came back to me later that day, it dawned on me that the feelings I had towards my little girl in the dream died when I woke up. Hence, I killed my child.

It's a horrible thought and not in the least rational but that day, I couldn't get rid of that horrible feeling that I had put an end to something beautiful by simply waking up.

The reason I'm writing about this today, is that last week I dreamed that I was pregnant (pregnancy scares me by the way). And I was walking around with a gorgeous pregnant belly, so happy and showing off to my classmate who is actually due anytime now that I was too pregnant. I woke up, thought it was funny, told her about it and moved on with my day. Have I not come a long way....

Updates and retrospect

Only fair to let you know I have decided not to go to Israel for the summer. I don't regret my decision and I cannot talk about being satisfied or dissatisfied for it is the way it is and I will make it best.

You know, things are constantly changing and then when they fall back into place, it's almost weird. For the past few months, three of my good guy friends have been dating different girls seriously and I had to adjust to the times we used to spend together being spent with someone else. Not a big deal, it's that kind of relationship anyways. I moved on, made summer plans, moving apartment, like I once said, lots of changes. But now they are all single again and things can just fall right back into place. But what is the point if not to move forward?

Help!!! I hate decisions

 I finally have a minute to breath and write.

I have this thing on my mind I decided I would share and listen to what you guys have to say about it.

I'm aware you may not know much about me so here is some background. I grew up in a Yeshivish family, brothers and brother-in-laws mostly learn but because I grew up in Paris, it isn't quite the Lakewood Yeshivish you might picture. I'm in grad school and yes, in good standings with my family, even though I am the first of my siblings to go on to College. I went to seminary here in the States so no year in Israel (which by the way, is not so popular in France so it's no statement). However, after seminary, I took a path that most girls with similar backgrounds don't take. Let's just say, I finally started exploring the world the way I wanted to do it. Obviously from all my previous posts, you can gather I'm still observant but let's just say more... complex. Not quite Yeshivish, not quite Modern (ok maybe Modern Orthodox but I still don't fit in), still in process.

About a month ago, I decided to apply to the Neve Yerushalayim program and thought it may be a good idea to perhaps go spend a month in Israel learning. My motivation was a few things. First of all, I am only taking an online class so I do not need to be on campus. Second of all, I haven't been to Israel in five years. Third and probably most relevant, I went to a Shiur (the first in many years) recently and realized how much I used to know and how much I used to enjoy the intellectual exercise of Mefarshim, back in the day. I generally have a very hard time sitting through lectures, classes and speeches, no matter my level of interest or the quality of the speaker. Therefore,  my disinterest in Shiurim is not necessarily a rebellious thing, I just can't do it. But I decided i'd try it, and of course, it will be different.

Now, I hesitate. The cost of the trip/learning is not an issue. I mean it's an expense but not one that weighs in my decision (or lack of). Here are my doubts. First of all, I am moving at the end of the month and I would just like to settle (definitely not good enough of a con, I know). Being away for five weeks is long, way too long. I need my home and stability. But, and I guess second, I have not been home in the past two years on vacation. The only two breaks I've had, I spent in France, by my parents. Not that I am complaining about it, I just think that there is something to being home and on vacation, with more time for others, to do stuff etc... Then what happens if no one is around? I'm not too worried about that, museums and Barnes and Nobles are good enough for me. So third is probably my main concern. I scarcely work throughout the year. I only have time for 12 hours a week average and lately I've been doing 20 hours ( I work retail, so evening shifts are great for the student life). if I stay in July, I could be making decent amounts and that would certainly  help me out for the year to come.

So you heard it all. My parents are supportive and understand my dilemma but offer no answer. They ask what about the program attracts me and do I want to go that badly. Well, I don't doubt what's there and if I do go, I will have an enjoyable time. I know that. But should I go?

Will I regret staying?

And if you think the answer is that simple, then you may not understand that living here alone supporting myself comes with a huge responsibility.

Help me out here, ask me things I haven't thought about yet...

No more pants

Today I trashed the pants that my rabbi allowed me to wear at the prison. (click here for post)
No more pants, too many associations. Reverse psychology works great :)

I also can't believe it's been so long since I wrote about working there and now i'm done.

The things we do without realizing it, so much can be accomplished....

To change or not to change?

It is difficult for me to sit here and write about a topic that I would like to discuss, when all around me is changing. My friends are changing, my internship is changing, my classes are changing, my address is changing, couples are changing, the weather is changing.

Everything around is changing.

Perhaps it is me changing and all remaining the same?

Who knows...

The one thing that doesn't change is my view on dating.
It's not fun.
Maybe that could/should change.

Shoplifting, shoplifting and more shoplifting

Among all the things I do, I work retail for a few hours a week. The store I work at is fairly small but carries very high brands. Unfortunately, it comes with a high risk for theft.

So on days like today, where I witnessed more pairs being stolen than purchased, I wonder.
How do they justify it, how can they justify it? Im alone most of the times with all these wonderful pricey items, yet I would never dare to take any. Even though no one has to know and no one will know.

What happened to being righteous?

The worst is when I see them steal and they look at me in they eyes and tell me they have no idea where it is. Or when a mother with a 13 years old daughter are doing it. Or when it's a couple around the ages of 50. It doesn't matter what they look like, it seems that stealing is just a part of life for many.

Now I sure understand the concept of doing the right thing even when no one is looking. I could never bear to know I may be one of them.

Lost opportunities

I love to be alone. 

Most of the time actually, i'd rather be alone. Many people, mainly my mother, do not understand it. My mother is a socialite who will talk to anyone and truly enjoys it. You cannot meet her, walk away and then forget her. People who meet me always believe I am so much like her in that sense but what they don't know or don't understand is that for me, solitude is a better alternative. Then you meet my father and you understand. 

So this past week end, my sister had a little girl and my mother flew in to spend time with her. Naturally, a few of my siblings  and I came in to spend Shabbat together and be there for the Kiddush. Since my sister who had the baby reads this blog, this is my chance to tell her C is beautiful and that I am very happy for her. All and all, I had a great week-end with my family. The problem lies in the actual commitment to go spend time with the family. 

I love to be alone yet I'm very into quality time with family and close friends. So I can appreciate the moment, I just have a harder time making that trip or that step to spend the time. And if i'm not feeling it, then forget it. I didn't want to drive in (forgive the logistics, we're all spread out) but I did because it's the right thing to do and I knew that I would have a good time. When I'm not feeling it, I always project to the future to see if I may regret later on passing on an opportunity of quality times. Eventually, it gets me going.

It's the same with dating. When I'm not interested in going out, not because of the boy, but because I have a better book at home, I try to project myself in two weeks perhaps wanting to go out but without any options. And even if it doesn't work out, you know I'm happy to walk away with the experience, memories and lessons learned. 

In friendship as well, I'll pass on certain things that may bother me because I know I can have a good time despite my frustration. But I'm slowly putting a stop to it. I'd really rather be alone. 

My father was alone for Shabbat and I was jealous. He told me: "This is better than the alternative" (I thought he meant better than having my mother home but he meant better than being invited out for meals).

When you stop wondering if you might have had a good time, 

if you should have maybe said yes to that guy, 

if you should have called your friend who came to town,

 have you truly achieved loneliness?