Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Dilemma - The Sequel

Thank you all for your advice on my dilemma. There was too much for me to answer in a comment so here is my answer to you.

Let me start by saying that because A loves to share all her dating stories does not mean that I do too. So typically, she tells me about her dates and I only tell her once it's over and I have a good story or if there is something to discuss. I can't stand talking about something that might never be and if i'm going to create imaginary scenarios, i'll do it alone it my head. So there is our first major difference. Shani, i'm with you on being tight lipped with the boys I date.

And Shades of Grey, I believe she does consider the guys she dates for me and other friend except that I don't think she quite grasps what kind of guy I want. And also, I'm certain she would be happy if it worked out but I am the one here walking on egg shells just because I know she was annoyed at his refusal to go on a second date.

Now Cymbaline has a point. It was only one date which isn't a big deal. But, I know her to be very sensitive and even if she should learn to take rejection less personally, the fact is she isn't quite there yet and I would not want to be the cause of her pain.

To pick on what Altie said, I must say that I don't see the point in waiting any longer because first of all, it happened a good three weeks ago and also because A is going out with someone else anyways. And, I was joking about bad mouthing him, I only sympathized with the fact that he didn't give it a second chance. If anything, I think I've been overly sensitive to the issue like Cymbaline pointed it out.

Which ties in to your response Professor, the two events were unrelated and happened three weeks apart. And again, I did not bad mouth him, I only showed her I cared and that I didn't understand why he didn't at least give it a second shot. (which I know understand)

Morah Betsy you were ahead of the game. I did speak to him for two hours on the phone last night but that's simply because of logistic issues. Hopefully we can set up a time to meet soon.

And just so you know, I asked A today if she would be okay with me going out with him. Of course she said she does not care and felt the need to add that anyways, she doesn't see it go anywhere. Oh well, maybe it will and maybe it won't...

SO much drama for a date that hasn't been yet :)


  1. I'm with you on not talking about dates before they're relationships-- it removes so much unnecessary pressure!
    Also, I don't think she's over him-- "I don't see it going anywhere" is hurtful and reeks of jealousy. And if she's not over him, she shouldn't be dating someone else. Dating is not a game, and using boys as pawns is not fair.
    Keep us posted-- and have fun! :)

  2. To be honest, I think you wouldn't be in quite as sticky a situation if your mutual friend/shadchan hadn't discussed in detail with you just why this guy said no to your other friend. It was not appropriate for her to discuss it with you (and not to sound harsh, but it really wasn't any of your business).
    That being said, you have a right to go out with this guy but realize that if anything does come of it, your friendship will never be quite the same. Not that she'll be holding a grudge, just that there will be an awkwardness on both your parts.

  3. @anon: thanks for commenting and actually it is my business because I wanted it to work out for her, and even not with him, then for the future. I set her up all the time,and hearing from the in between friend B why it didn't work out, helps me identify the traits that will make it work or not w/ potential guys
    You make it sound like I'm an opportunistic. Trust em, if you knew us in real life, you'd take that back.

  4. I don't think I implied anything about you being opportunistic...rather that this kind of talking back and forth rarely ends well. Really, if you are not the shadchan it is not necessary to dissect somebody else's being rejected. I doubt you would appreciate knowing people were discussing in detail why somebody rejected you. We all have our dignity we'd like to maintain. (If I'm coming across as a bit harsh chalk it up to my being an "older single" who is tired of having people gossip about her, because yes, a lot of the gossip makes it back to my ears. But so be it. In this case, your friend has the bulk of my sympathy. Though I think it would behoove her to keep things to herself much more in the future. ) If there's anything I have learned the hard way these past several years it is how fragile women's friendships can be....

    You can still set her up without needing to know why a particular guy didn't work out. Most of this over-analysis and dissecting done before setting two people up is way overdone.

  5. I understand where ur coming from and the point your making. But this was not the case here, I did not sit with the person who set her u B Whois a good friend of mine to discuss my friend A. Trust me I couldn't careless why it didn't work out . As the conversation went along the guy came up because I thought I knew a different girl for him. Bthen felt like sheshud tell me why he didn't say yes to second date, the point here is not why he said no it's more abt a general understanding of why a guy might say no to a second date.