Tuesday, November 29, 2011


I'm in a sticky situation and I need some feedback.

A close friend of mine (A) recently went out with a guy that a common friend of ours (B) set her up with. She called me after the first date, sounding very happy about her evening and with great hopes at least towards a second date. 

Which never happened, because he immediately felt like they weren't good for each other and did not want to lead her on any longer.When she called me the next day to complain about how guys should give second chances, I sympathized and called the guy all kind of names (just kidding).

Anyways, yesterday I bumped into B and we started talking about life, girls, boys.... Naturally the conversation came along and we found ourselves discussing A and the guy. I was happy I talked to her about it because she gave me legit reasons why he said no that she couldn't necessarily tell to A. The more she told me about him, the more he sounded like a guy I could go out with.

Bottom line is I am going out with him, first date has yet to happen but probably in the week to come or so...

The question is do I tell A beforehand or do I wait to see if there is even a point in telling her? I do not wish for her to feel under evaluated as in like he's just dating girls in passing till he finds the one, one being no more or less special than the other. Then there is this neurotic concern on my part, that if it does go somewhere, I can't have her feel like he choose me over her. 

To tell or not to tell?


  1. oy. Hard question.
    I'd either tell her soon or wait a few week's time before first date. Can you phone date in the meantime?

  2. Not knowing ur relationship with her it is hard to say. U dont want her to think u sabotaged something for urself....

  3. we spoke on the phone for the first time tonight for two hours so i guess yes but we will meet next

  4. @the professor: what do you mean? we're great friends, she always tells me when she dates and i would NEVER do such a thing. this all happened after, and technically there is nothing wrong with him dating someone else except that because we know each other, im afraid of hurting her

  5. Rereading the post, i sort of withdraw the previous comment. but what i meant was that u dont want her think u patronized supported her being upset at the guy only so she would lay off so u could get a shot at him.

  6. If I were you, I'd find a different avenue to get the advice that you are looking for.

    That being said, I'd be interested in knowing how it all went down.

    Bracha vhatzlacha bchol hainyanim.

  7. A) i think you should have told her straight off the bat and not waited. Like in a rental way. If you say you are friends and she tells you everything about her dating life and vice versa she should understand. Sometimes friends themselves are the ones to set girls up with guys whom they've dated. I think telling her from the beginning will make her see that you trust her and u are not going behind her back but perhaps this guy really is more suited for you. Like u said what if u end up marrying him and she will forever resent the fact that u went out with him and didnt tell her like she couldnt handle it? Shes a big girl.

    And B) i think you should have waited some time for her to get over him b4 jumping right in. Yes maybe this guy is perfect for u but u should be sensitive to the fact that ur friend feels snubbed by him. No that doesnt mean to make believe to bad mouth him while secretly going out with him. I just think as her friend there is a time frame you should wait b4 dating a guy ur friend has gone out with. Especially if u value ur friendship.

    And after all is said and done u should find the right guy easily and with no pain for u or ur friend. May we hear good news.

  8. I think that she went out with him ONE time -they didn;'t exactly have a long romantic relationshiop that ended in disaster - rather they went out once and he wasn't interested. it happens...ALOT. If she takes every rejection personally, she's going to be a very unhappy person.

    In short, i thinkn you are over-thinking this a bit. Just casually mention that you are being set up with him.

  9. How is she going to find out you went out with him, especially if you don't tell her about your own dating experiences as a policy?

    I was always careful to keep mum about my initial dating plans and only spoke about them with my dating mentor, and this included all details - especially who she was, where she was from etc.

    People DO need to learn to be happy for others if someone they dated but didn't work out ends up dating a friend and possibly marrying him/her. As Rav Willig mentioned several years ago in a speech I heard, we should be actively recommending ex-dates to friends (wherein the relationship ended because of incompatibility, not serious issues).

    I can't fault you friend for not thinking about suggesting him to you in this case. I do think this requires sensitivity by not discussing it with her for the time being. If it becomes serious and he's "the one" then she'll have to find out at some point, just like everyone else. Granted, there might be some resentment, but if things work out the way they are meant to, then everyone should recognize that this was the best way for everything to transpire.

    So yes, be sensitive and don't talk to her now, but we ALL need to learn to accept these sorts of things.

  10. Tough call. I don't really think there's a right or wrong answer though. Personally I know I would wait to see if it was actually going somewhere before mentioning it, but I happen to be tight lipped about the boys I date in general...